procrastination.

right now i should be studying for my big calculus test that is tomorrow. i needed a break, however, from the frustration of the subject...so why not blog? perfect.

i haven't blogged in awhile but its because i haven't made time for it. i had much to blog about but who knows how much i'll remember.

over the last two weeks, i have continued to learn more about myself and more about where the Lord has me right now. my discipleship has been really good and brought many things to my attention. i have known that i'm stubborn and don't like to ask people for help...but that also means that I haven't been asking the Lord for help. once i realized that i can ask the Lord for help, it all made sense...i know, its simple but it has made things much easier for me. i also have been learning more about the Lord's love for me. i tend to put high expectations on myself but thankfully the Lord doesn't have those expectations for me...this whole time that i've been frustrated/mad/disappointed with myself, i have put those things on the Lord too...but its just not true. i'm still having a hard time living out of the truth and freedom of God's love but as i'm learning, these things come with time and not over night (another thing i expect out of myself...it never ends). the Lord has been patient with me though and i am grateful. i am also grateful for his unfailing love...and blessed to be loved unconditionally. i look forward to the day that i live and walk in His love.

last week i danced in offertory at wesley. although i have done this before, last wednesday was much different. see, i choreographed this offertory, so it was my dance. i can't even begin to explain to you my nervousness the entire day. i have never felt so vulnerable before...it was a dance that i put together and taught...and we danced it in front of a good 800 people to watch and judge and critique. so scary. while i know it doesn't matter what they think, it still adds pressure to the night. the whole experience was humbling, though, in that it taught me more about vulnerability. now i can begin to understand what chefs, artists, writers and other dancers feel like when a piece of them is put on the chopping block. it really could be with anything so i'm happy to have had my first major experience in front of the wesley body...the least judgemental group i could start with. this, too, is something i am grateful for. i am, every day, becoming more grateful for my ability to dance. its something i truly love to do. its nerve-racking, hard-work, exhausting, emotional, exhilarating, and tedious all in one. i love that i hate dance sometimes and i love that it gets the best of me sometimes...i love that dance is a constant struggle but i love the days when i love it and it feels like second nature to me. i am thankful that this semester has been full of dance for me. i am thankful for the opportunity to be involved in a christian environment to dance. i am nervous about my big performance coming up and its for many reasons which don't matter. but more than anything i'm excited to be backstage, in the wings, with knots in my stomach, heart bounding, adrenalin pumping ready to dance. even more exciting is that i'll be doing it for the Lord and worshiping Him through my movements.

so...it's almost the end of march. as many of my other posts have mentioned, i'm dreading graduation. and as it approaches my emotions continue to take a roller-coaster ride. even if someone had warned me, i don't think i could have prepared for this semester. today i thought a lot about saying goodbye to everyone and it could have literally torn my heart in pieces if i let it. i still try to get to the bottom of why it is that i hate change so much and why it is that i hate to say goodbye... right now it seems as though many of my friends will stay in athens which is really exciting for them but also makes me sad. while i know i'm not supposed to be in athens next year, it doesn't make the truth easier. there are many things i'll have to transition through over the next 2-3 months...thankfully i know the Lord is with me through every step...sometimes this truth isn't the most comforting though. i thought about my future too much on friday and as i walked into my room, i thought to myself "i could stay in this room indefinitely." the thought occurred to me, what i would want the most is for all 6 of us to stay in this incredible house, each doing our own thing but stay together, live together. the thought of living my life without these wonderful girls could kill me. i know change is good- and its inevitable- but for me its the thing i dread the most. the Lord knows this though and will teach me lots during this time, and i am confident in this. He has my best for me. i thankfully live in this house and have close family and friends that support and encourage me through this season which is one of the biggest gifts and blessings from the Lord.

i just ranted a lot and have calculus calling my name again. the Lord is good. Always.